In a dark place we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge light our way
Never thought a heartbreak could hurt so much, I felt so empty and alone, everyime I remembered something about him, about us, I couldn’t help it I just cried. The nights were the worst, I remebered how it felt when we hugged, when we were together and I couldn’t, I was hurt.
But, because life work in misterious ways, I got transferred to another city for work a few days after the breakup, he didn’t say goodbye, it seemed like he didn’t care so why would I care, right? The day after I got here, he called… I know I should’ve not answered, but I did, we talked, he explained me what happened and apparently he was hurt too. Do I care? Not really, at least not as much as I thought, I kinda feel good, if he’s ACTUALLY hurt, Im glad. After that call we’ve been talking everyday, like friends, I know it’s probably a mistake and I’ll probably get hurt eventually, but I feel calm when we talk, I don’t cry anymore, I feel complete in a way. I don’t want to stop being his friend, I don’t know if I’m making the right choice (probably not) but it feels right… in a way.
Anyway, I don’t want to waist another post about him, I got transferred 2 weeks ago for a little more than a month, all this time by myself has got me thinking about me, my future and what I’m doing with my life. I realized I’m not taking care of myself much, not physically not mentally, I’m emotionally weak, I have to stop thinking with my heart and start doing it with my head, I’ve always been like that, Im too emotional when it comes to everything in life and I don’t know how to stop. I went through a really dark phase a few years ago, I was bulimic, I was cutting myself and I wanted to die so bad, but I never did it, maybe because I was afraid of dying, maybe because deep inside I didn’t want to. But I thought about it everyday, ways I could do it or where I would do it. I got out thanks to my mom, my friends, my psychologist and my nutritionist, but if I’m honest, those thoughts always come back, once in a while, when I least want them, they get me. People say that you never truly get out of there, you just learn how to handle those thoughts, how to fight them and win. So basically you’re in a never ending war with yourself.
I get this feeling that life is too much for me to handle, that I don’t have a plan, that I’m just wasting my life and have no goals, I want things to happen so fast that I feel I’m stuck, and I’ve been stuck for a while. I don’t want to get old and realized that I’ve wasted my life, that all my dreams where just dreams and I never made the happen, that my biggest fear has come true, I got myself a routinary life where I just work, I never have enough money for anything, I never finished my studies, a life where Im as unhappy as I can be. That’s why the thought of ending everything always gets me, it may sound coward (because it is, I’m aware of it) but sometimes it seems like the easiest option.
And after all of those thoughts come to my mind, after I cry for a few hours, after I figure a way on how to end it and just leave this world, something happens, something deep inside me stops me and tells me that everything will be alright, that life is supposed to be hard, that I’m too young too worry this much, that I’m doing my best to get where I want to be and that I shouldn’t worry, things WILL work out. I don’t know who or what is this but it’s been my lifeguard for a while now, sometimes it takes a while, a few days, and other times it’s there right away but sometimes I fear that one day it’ll not come, it’ll not help me, and I’ll be stuck again, like I was a few years ago. That’s why my main goal right now it’s being mentally strong, I need to learn how to handle myself, how to get along with myself and it’s a constant learning, we’re so complex and sometimes we get lost in ourselves, we forget who we are and why we’re living, that’s why I want to start taking care of myself more, stop taking me for granted and learn about Andrea as much as I can, so eventually I won’t need anything or anyone to come and save me when I’m in my dark place, it’ll be me and just me.
-Andrea
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