Am I the problem?

I don’t want good and I don’t want good enough, I want can’t sleep, can’t breath without your love

I Want Crazy by Hunter Hayes

First of all I want you guys to know that I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’ve dated amazing guys, guys that any girl would be lucky to date, they were great. Of course some better than others but all of them have been great guys.

The only problem is I’ve never dated a guy for more than 3 “dates”, maybe it’s me or maybe I haven’t found THE guy but it sucks because I’m never sure if I want to keep going out with them and we just stop talking or stop seeing each other. I get nervous when I feel like we’re going somewhere you know? I really don’t know why but the feeling of dating makes me nervous because I’ve never shared that much of me with someone (apart from my friends), and imagining myself going out with someone, holding hands, kissing in public, introducing them to my friends, etc., the picture of it it’s great but when I start going out with someone and I try to picture myself with them… I just can’t. I’ve been telling myself that maybe I haven’t found the guy with who I want to do all that but now I think maybe I’m the problem, maybe I don’t give them a chance.

The reason for all of this is because I’m seeing this guy I met on Tinder, and before you say anything, yes I know Tinder it’s probably not the best place to meet someone but I downloaded the app for fun and I never thought I would actually meet someone from there. Aaanyways, this guy is really nice and yesterday was our 3rd “date” which I don’t consider an actual date because te 3 times we’ve seen each other we’re just talking in his car driving around the city, which is really cool I really enjoyed it and for the first “date” was great because I could get to know him better, we could talk easily,  but for the 2nd and 3rd time maybe I had my expectations that they were going to be different.

The thing is that now that we’ve had our 3rd “date” and since I already told him I haven’t date a guy for more than 3 dates, he wants me to let him know when it’s going to be our next one, and I understand why he wants me to do it but I don’t know if I want to do it. A part of me thinks that if I really wanted to keep seeing him I would tell him to see each other right away and I wouldn’t be thinking about it so much, but another part of me thinks that maybe I’m just scared of dating someone because I’ve never done it before and I should give him a chance.

I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! Am I the problem? H E L P!

-Andrea

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Family & Limits

It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself and to make your Happiness a priority. It’s necessary.

When you’re a kid, especially in Latino families, you’re thought that being a “good daughter/son” means you’re devoted to your parents, means that you’ll do what you’re told and that’s it. But, what’s the limit? Is it possible that sometimes it’s ok to be selfish with your own parents?
The situation is this, I’ve been a middle-class girl for most of my life, when me and my mom decided to move out of Venezuela the situation changed with time. At first everything was great but then my mom got married, my brother was born, the company she and my stepdad were working broke, etc. Since then we’ve been struggling with money, ups and downs all the time.
The reason why I decided/had to stay by myself was beyond my decision and own will. I’ve always wanted to live by myself and I knew I was going to do it soon but never thought it was going to be this way. When my parents moved to another country they had to do it as fast as possible, first my stepfather had to go and since my mom can’t live without him she left 15 days later. I couldn’t go with them since my passport is expired and getting a Venezuelan passport is a long process (F@#¿¡ng socialism), thanks to that I’ve been waiting for a while to get it; above all and more important, I didn’t want to. I was working here, I was studying here, my whole life was built here. Of course, that was a reason for my stepfather to say how selfish I was for not supporting our family through this difficult time and how immature I was. Now they’re living in another country, struggling with money and they need me to help them from here.
They haven’t asked me for money yet, but they’ve been asking me to do a certain kind (many of them) of errands that cost me money, MY money. I don’t make millions at my job, but I make enough for me and my expenses. On top of this, apparently someone that used to work with my stepfather got into an issue with a guy and know he owes him money, money that he said I was going to give him. This lender knows me and knows where I live, he even called me once while I was at work, so I’d give him his money.
Now my question is, am I being a bad daughter if I stop helping them? Is it wrong?
At first, I thought that if I told them I didn’t have the money to help them they were going to think that I couldn’t live by myself but now it’s not that I can’t it’s just that my money is not enough to helping them and helping me. I’ve been doing everything I can to help them, they don’t have to pay for me anymore, I even stopped studying so they wouldn’t have to pay for my University, isn’t that enough?
So please… H E L P

-Andrea Moron

L O N E L I N E S S

Loneliness was an unsatisfied thirst for illusion

-Kobo Abe

Now that I’m living by myself I can say things are a lot more different than they used to, I don’t want to say it’s harder than I thought (I’m not going to give my mom the satisfaction) because, honestly, I don’t think it’s harder, I just feel it’s different. Everybody goes throw it in a different way, some are more lucky than others but I don’t think it’s harder, It’s just different.

Any ways, something that has made the experience, let’s say… less enjoyble (apart from money, but that’s another post) it’s LONELINESS. I feel a lot more lonely; and it’s not like when I was living with my parents I didn’t feel that way because sometimes I did but in a way they were always there, even if a didn’t talk to them at all they were there, their bodies and presence were there. Now I just have me, and don’t get me wrong I enjoy having a “me time” once in a while, but being by yourself can be pretty dangerous. Something that I’ve learned in my shorts 19 years of life is that there’s no worst enemy than yourself because no ones knows you more than you, you know all your weakness and fears; all your sins and regrets; you can’t hide yourself from yourself. And if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you may know that I’ve had some serious issues with myself, and if you haven’t well just know that I’m not my gresatest friend and I’m a little afraid that those thoughts that were so had to let go are coming back again, haunting me.

My friends are the greatest, thank God, but some of them are gone and the others, they have their one issues. I just feel like I need someone I can lay my head on once in a while, I can easily say that I’m craving affection more than ever (how needy am I?), And the fact that I can’t continue my University makes it harder (I’ll explain that in another post), I met the most amazing people while I was there, and the fact that I wasn’t able to enjoy that experience longer, SUCKS!

If I can be honest, YES there are a million things I wish were different; I wish I had more money; I wish that I was able to study; I wish I was with my cousin/sister (I’ll talk about her in another post); I wish my mom’s actions were different; I wish I could go back to Venezuela with my family; and I can keep going for a good 20 more lines but I dont want to be ungrateful for what I have because I do have a lot of things I should be grateful for: I have the most beautiful friends, a great job, a place to sleep, food, health, people that care for me, and I bunch of other things. But what I really need right now… is love, and I’m not just talking about romatic love, I’m talking about love in any form, I want to feel loved.

I’ve been trying to drown that feeling in parties, alcohol, sex, and I know it’s not the right thing to do but it takes the thoughts away for a while. I don’t want to go back to my old habits but I’ve been having some dark thoughts lately, I wish they went away.

-Andrea

 

By myself

Sometimes you have to stop being scared and just go for it. Either it will work out, or it won’t. That’s life.

Well, HELLO THERE! It’s been a while. HAPPY NEW YEAR 2018, hope you all had a wonderful time.

It’s been so long since the last time I wrote something here, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with this blog since the day I started and after giving it a thought (a really long one) I’ve decided I want to make it a Journal *yaaay*.

Why a Journal? you may ask… Well, long story short, I’m 19 now, living by myself, working, in need for more money (aren’t we all?) and why not? It’s a new stage in my life and I think it’s a really good way to let everything go, word by word.

Why make it public? At first I thought on only write it for me but I could use some advice from the ones reading this and if there’s none then it’s ok, at the end it’s just an 19 y/o’s Journal. I can use it to post something I read, about a show I’m watching, something that happened… anything! And of course I’d love if anyone commented.

Like I said, I’ve been living by myself for a few months now, I’m still getting used to everything but I like it! I know it’s hard, I know it’s not the same as living with your parents, but I feel ok. Some things that I wish were different but it’s ok, things will be alright… eventually.

I really like the independence, of course sometimes is way too much independence but I’m still trying to find my balance. I’ve done everything I couldn’t do when I was living with my parents of, nothing bad, but finally I feel like I’m actually living in the real world.

I got a job that I really like, thankfully, but I’m not sure if I’m able to do it… and that worries me. I’m still learning how everything is done but I’m afraid I’ll not be able to put up with the work when it’s time for me to work alone; and honestly, above everthing, that feeling is killing me inside.

I’m not going to be able to start University this year since I can’t afford it and my parents can’t help me, so I’m going to focus on working and learning as much as I can, maybe I’ll end up moving again but I’m still not sure.

I’ve learned about myself a lot now that I’m by myself, I’ve realized how weak I am in some areas of life, to be honest, sometimes I’m scared of what can happen. But I guess that’s the point of life, to be scared and still do it, to feel weak but still try to be strong. I just hope everything works out at the end because nothing frightens me more than the future and right now my future seems a little uncertain.

Let’s see what life has prepared for me…

This time is for real!

and so the future begins.

Well HELLO THERE! Here I am, again, like usual. I always find a way to come back to this blog and I promise myself that I’m going to be more consistent with my writing every time.

A lot has happened! As you probably knew, if you’ve been reading my blog, I moved to the US last year and finished High School. Now I’M BACK IN PANAMÀ!, I got my first job, I quitted my first job, I changed my mind about what I wanted to study and I started University a few weeks ago. Life is going great, I can’t complain, there’s a few thing I wish were better but hey! one step at a time 🙂

Coming back has been… an experience. I really missed my friends and the whole Panamá environment but coming back meant coming back to live with my mom and my stepdad, and don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and my stepdad but when I was in the US I had a lot more freedom and I don’t feel like I have that here. I hate having to sneak out of my house, or lie to them about where I’m going to be, but I guess that’s part of growing up with overprotective parents.

I don’t want you guys to think that I’m doing bad things when I sneak out of my house because I’m not, but sadly my relationship with my mother is not the best and I can’t tell her everything that happens in my life. When I got here I had a very stressful conversation with her (I’ll probably write a post about it soon), and I got to the conclusion that, no matter how hard we try, there’s no way me and her are going to get to a deal. So for the sanity of both of us, is better if I just learn how to get along with her until I move out of this house (hopefully soon).

I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with this blog but, while I make up my mind about it, I’m just going to write about whatever I want and hopefully some ideas will pop up. I know I don’t have a thousand followers, probably not even more that 30, but it will be great if you guys leave some comments about what you think, or if you have any advice about anything… I’d love to know.

-Andrea

 

 

In between Life and My Dreams

I’m like a feather in a hurricane.

Happy New Year everybody! First of all, I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and a very happy New Year, filled with joy and incredible moments.

It’s been 2 months and 12 days since I moved and it’s been a very emotional experience. From the moment I knew I was going to move to a different country by myself I thought that this was the time to “runaway” from home and find myself, get to know more about me. But it turns out that I’m more lost than I’ve ever been before; I was not running away from home, I’m trying to find my home; and it’s not that I don’t know who I am, I do!, I am very smart, beautiful, energetic girl who wants to do nothing but help, a girl who’s so afraid of failure and oblivion that she would do anything to be important and leave her mark in the world and in everybody who got to know her, so people can remember what she did and how she helped, a girl who’s refused to have an ordinary life and follow a routine for the rest of her life, a girl who wants to have everything she has always wanted to have and do anything she has always wanted to do.I do know who I am and I’m very aware of what I want, I just don’t know where to start.

I want to do so many things at once that I end up doing none, I keep my expectations so high that I get very disappointed afterwards, I give so much of me to people and end up hurting myself realizing that sometimes (must of the time) I’m just too good and a little too naive.

I have so many dreams that I want to come true but I don’t know where to start. It’s like when you are watching a movie halfway forward and you realize you have no idea how everything happened and how its going to end. That’s kind of how I feel right now.

New year, new dreams, same girl, same fears.

I’m neither living my life or living my dreams.

-Andrea

I hate that I love him

It’s like I want to throw you off a cliff and then rush to the bottom to catch you.

Before I start I want to point that I’ve never been in a relationship, not because I didn’t have the chance to be with someone, is just that to me being with someone is a real commitment and I get scared, Im scared of commitment if Im not sure that I want to. So, every time I start dating someone and things get serious I just leave and end everything.

I know Im not easy, no woman is easy to understand, I know I am stubborn , sometimes too serious, sometimes not serious at all, sometimes I know what I want and sometimes I don’t at all; and I could say I want someone who accepts the way I am, and I do, but the guys I’ve dated they all do. So what do I want? I want someone that fights me, someone that’s not condescending with me, someone who can make me change my mind; and I think I found it, but even tho he’s all that, he’s THE WORST (trying to be as nicest as possible)  and I have the right to say that because I’ve known him for years and I’ve been her “best friend” all those years. He’s immature, irresponsible, impossible, even more stubborn than me and not serious at all; but it’s the fact that he’s all that,that makes me want him even more, because even tho he’s not perfect I think he’s perfect for me.

Am in love with him? I don’t know, because we are not living in the same country anymore and obviously something between us can’t happen right now. But I do want something with him, I want everything with him and I want it bad. Every time we talk Im more than sure that I’ll do anything for him and that scares me, it scares me that someone has that power over me and he knows he does and that scares me even more, but the worst is that, even through the distance, he’s a big part of me and I’m not even close to be a part of him.

-Andrea

P.s: I wrote a new post on mytrendingstories.com and it will mean the world to me if you check it out and tell me what you think.

What do I do next!?

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

-E.E. Cummings

So, I turned 18 a couple weeks ago and the next day I moved to the US to finish High School. It has always been a dream of mine to finish school outside Latin America, either the US or somewhere else, just because opportunities are so much better just for the fact that I have them: OPPORTUNITIES!.

My mom has always been a very protective mother so I could say I feel a little lost but relief at the same time. The only problem is that everything is getting way more complicated that I though and there’s a big chance that I’ll have to take a GED, which I don’t mind but my mom and my stepdad do. They want me back in Panama again by Saturday.

I don’t want to go back! I felt so useless there, I wasn’t happy at all, I felt like if I was on a treadmill, I just kept walking without moving forward. I just felt so unhappy and tired all the time.

Right now I don’t know what to do, my stepdad it’s trying to convince me that a GED its not the same as a High School Diploma and that I’m not gonna be able to get into any university, my mom wants the same thing but I don’t want to go back. My dad on the other side, he just wants me to be happy and choose what I think it’s best for me and my education, he even told me I should go back to Venezuela after I finish school.

I don’t want to go back but I’m also afraid of what’s going to happen with my future if I stay… I want to stay but I don’t want to regret it later.

How do I know if it’s the best for me?… I’m so scared and even tho I’ve done my research, i still don’t know what to do

Impossible people

Here in Latin America’s schools you are meant to be with the same people for the whole school year, we all take the same subjects and we share a classroom with the same people until you graduate. This is the thing: my classroom SUCKS! and dont get me wrong, I love my friends, most of them are in my classroom but sometimes they can be so rude and immature.

What happened was that tomorrow we have a spiritual retreat and since we are graduating next year you’ll assume everybody would be happy to go and share time with all of us, we are 3 classrooms and a total of 63 students, but NO! my classmates were being so stupid about it; they were so rude with our president, they were laughing at her face, saying a lot of ridiculous things at her face and it pissed me off.  I just don’t understand how can someone be so disrespectful.

I understand why they dont want to go, I know it can be annoying sometimes but WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO RUDE AND IMMATURE!? and the worst part is that it’s not only with her, its with everybody, our teachers and between each other. UGH I JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THEM.

In other news, I’m writing posts for a web page called Mytrendingstories.com, yesterday I posted my first article so you should go and check it out and follow me over there.  Let me know what you think in the comments ❤

-Andrea

 

 

 

Velvet

Maybe life isn’t about avoiding the bruises, maybe its about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it.

I’m back! its been forever since the last time I wrote here. Im still figuring out what I want to do wih this blog but I’ve been waiting to post something for a long time.

I want to talk a little bit about this new Tv Show Im watching, its called Velvet, its the love story of Alberto and Ana, Alberto is the owner of a prestigious fashion stores in the Spain of the late 1950s and Ana works as a seamstress there. Velvet is the typical love story of the guy that falls in love with the poor girl but they can’t be together because their life are too different.

Anyways, what I really wanted to talk about in this post is what I’ve realized watching this love story. I used to say that love stories were stupid because those things never happen in real life but, Why not? why did I lose so much faith in love that it made me think that something like that could never happen to me? And its not only me, a lot of my friends think the same way too and I’ve come to the conclusion that we live in such a wicked society that we have lost any kind of innocence that was left in us. I mean look around us, look how we treat each other, we lack love in our hearts and that’s so sad.

Me, personally, I refuse to believe that the world cannot be as cute and happy as the tv shows or movies we watch. And yes, I know its just fantasy but have you seen how happy the little kids are? they are so happy about everything that they dont see the bad in the world, they believe anything can happen and that they are able to do anything they want to do. We, on the other side, we lack confidence in ourselves.

I refuse to live a life were I dont believe in love stories and happy endings, I refuse to think that there’s no good in this world anymore, I want to be as happy as I can and I’ll not let this society ruin my happiness never again,  I belive in changes and I believe one person can make a huge difference. You never know how much influence you have in the people around you, smile more and you’ll see how the people around will smile more at you and life in general.

-Andrea