This time is for real!

and so the future begins.

Well HELLO THERE! Here I am, again, like usual. I always find a way to come back to this blog and I promise myself that I’m going to be more consistent with my writing every time.

A lot has happened! As you probably knew, if you’ve been reading my blog, I moved to the US last year and finished High School. Now I’M BACK IN PANAMÀ!, I got my first job, I quitted my first job, I changed my mind about what I wanted to study and I started University a few weeks ago. Life is going great, I can’t complain, there’s a few thing I wish were better but hey! one step at a time 🙂

Coming back has been… an experience. I really missed my friends and the whole Panamá environment but coming back meant coming back to live with my mom and my stepdad, and don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and my stepdad but when I was in the US I had a lot more freedom and I don’t feel like I have that here. I hate having to sneak out of my house, or lie to them about where I’m going to be, but I guess that’s part of growing up with overprotective parents.

I don’t want you guys to think that I’m doing bad things when I sneak out of my house because I’m not, but sadly my relationship with my mother is not the best and I can’t tell her everything that happens in my life. When I got here I had a very stressful conversation with her (I’ll probably write a post about it soon), and I got to the conclusion that, no matter how hard we try, there’s no way me and her are going to get to a deal. So for the sanity of both of us, is better if I just learn how to get along with her until I move out of this house (hopefully soon).

I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with this blog but, while I make up my mind about it, I’m just going to write about whatever I want and hopefully some ideas will pop up. I know I don’t have a thousand followers, probably not even more that 30, but it will be great if you guys leave some comments about what you think, or if you have any advice about anything… I’d love to know.

-Andrea

 

 

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In between Life and My Dreams

I’m like a feather in a hurricane.

Happy New Year everybody! First of all, I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and a very happy New Year, filled with joy and incredible moments.

It’s been 2 months and 12 days since I moved and it’s been a very emotional experience. From the moment I knew I was going to move to a different country by myself I thought that this was the time to “runaway” from home and find myself, get to know more about me. But it turns out that I’m more lost than I’ve ever been before; I was not running away from home, I’m trying to find my home; and it’s not that I don’t know who I am, I do!, I am very smart, beautiful, energetic girl who wants to do nothing but help, a girl who’s so afraid of failure and oblivion that she would do anything to be important and leave her mark in the world and in everybody who got to know her, so people can remember what she did and how she helped, a girl who’s refused to have an ordinary life and follow a routine for the rest of her life, a girl who wants to have everything she has always wanted to have and do anything she has always wanted to do.I do know who I am and I’m very aware of what I want, I just don’t know where to start.

I want to do so many things at once that I end up doing none, I keep my expectations so high that I get very disappointed afterwards, I give so much of me to people and end up hurting myself realizing that sometimes (must of the time) I’m just too good and a little too naive.

I have so many dreams that I want to come true but I don’t know where to start. It’s like when you are watching a movie halfway forward and you realize you have no idea how everything happened and how its going to end. That’s kind of how I feel right now.

New year, new dreams, same girl, same fears.

I’m neither living my life or living my dreams.

-Andrea

I hate that I love him

It’s like I want to throw you off a cliff and then rush to the bottom to catch you.

Before I start I want to point that I’ve never been in a relationship, not because I didn’t have the chance to be with someone, is just that to me being with someone is a real commitment and I get scared, Im scared of commitment if Im not sure that I want to. So, every time I start dating someone and things get serious I just leave and end everything.

I know Im not easy, no woman is easy to understand, I know I am stubborn , sometimes too serious, sometimes not serious at all, sometimes I know what I want and sometimes I don’t at all; and I could say I want someone who accepts the way I am, and I do, but the guys I’ve dated they all do. So what do I want? I want someone that fights me, someone that’s not condescending with me, someone who can make me change my mind; and I think I found it, but even tho he’s all that, he’s THE WORST (trying to be as nicest as possible)  and I have the right to say that because I’ve known him for years and I’ve been her “best friend” all those years. He’s immature, irresponsible, impossible, even more stubborn than me and not serious at all; but it’s the fact that he’s all that,that makes me want him even more, because even tho he’s not perfect I think he’s perfect for me.

Am in love with him? I don’t know, because we are not living in the same country anymore and obviously something between us can’t happen right now. But I do want something with him, I want everything with him and I want it bad. Every time we talk Im more than sure that I’ll do anything for him and that scares me, it scares me that someone has that power over me and he knows he does and that scares me even more, but the worst is that, even through the distance, he’s a big part of me and I’m not even close to be a part of him.

-Andrea

P.s: I wrote a new post on mytrendingstories.com and it will mean the world to me if you check it out and tell me what you think.

What do I do next!?

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

-E.E. Cummings

So, I turned 18 a couple weeks ago and the next day I moved to the US to finish High School. It has always been a dream of mine to finish school outside Latin America, either the US or somewhere else, just because opportunities are so much better just for the fact that I have them: OPPORTUNITIES!.

My mom has always been a very protective mother so I could say I feel a little lost but relief at the same time. The only problem is that everything is getting way more complicated that I though and there’s a big chance that I’ll have to take a GED, which I don’t mind but my mom and my stepdad do. They want me back in Panama again by Saturday.

I don’t want to go back! I felt so useless there, I wasn’t happy at all, I felt like if I was on a treadmill, I just kept walking without moving forward. I just felt so unhappy and tired all the time.

Right now I don’t know what to do, my stepdad it’s trying to convince me that a GED its not the same as a High School Diploma and that I’m not gonna be able to get into any university, my mom wants the same thing but I don’t want to go back. My dad on the other side, he just wants me to be happy and choose what I think it’s best for me and my education, he even told me I should go back to Venezuela after I finish school.

I don’t want to go back but I’m also afraid of what’s going to happen with my future if I stay… I want to stay but I don’t want to regret it later.

How do I know if it’s the best for me?… I’m so scared and even tho I’ve done my research, i still don’t know what to do

Impossible people

Here in Latin America’s schools you are meant to be with the same people for the whole school year, we all take the same subjects and we share a classroom with the same people until you graduate. This is the thing: my classroom SUCKS! and dont get me wrong, I love my friends, most of them are in my classroom but sometimes they can be so rude and immature.

What happened was that tomorrow we have a spiritual retreat and since we are graduating next year you’ll assume everybody would be happy to go and share time with all of us, we are 3 classrooms and a total of 63 students, but NO! my classmates were being so stupid about it; they were so rude with our president, they were laughing at her face, saying a lot of ridiculous things at her face and it pissed me off.  I just don’t understand how can someone be so disrespectful.

I understand why they dont want to go, I know it can be annoying sometimes but WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO RUDE AND IMMATURE!? and the worst part is that it’s not only with her, its with everybody, our teachers and between each other. UGH I JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THEM.

In other news, I’m writing posts for a web page called Mytrendingstories.com, yesterday I posted my first article so you should go and check it out and follow me over there.  Let me know what you think in the comments ❤

-Andrea

 

 

 

Velvet

Maybe life isn’t about avoiding the bruises, maybe its about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it.

I’m back! its been forever since the last time I wrote here. Im still figuring out what I want to do wih this blog but I’ve been waiting to post something for a long time.

I want to talk a little bit about this new Tv Show Im watching, its called Velvet, its the love story of Alberto and Ana, Alberto is the owner of a prestigious fashion stores in the Spain of the late 1950s and Ana works as a seamstress there. Velvet is the typical love story of the guy that falls in love with the poor girl but they can’t be together because their life are too different.

Anyways, what I really wanted to talk about in this post is what I’ve realized watching this love story. I used to say that love stories were stupid because those things never happen in real life but, Why not? why did I lose so much faith in love that it made me think that something like that could never happen to me? And its not only me, a lot of my friends think the same way too and I’ve come to the conclusion that we live in such a wicked society that we have lost any kind of innocence that was left in us. I mean look around us, look how we treat each other, we lack love in our hearts and that’s so sad.

Me, personally, I refuse to believe that the world cannot be as cute and happy as the tv shows or movies we watch. And yes, I know its just fantasy but have you seen how happy the little kids are? they are so happy about everything that they dont see the bad in the world, they believe anything can happen and that they are able to do anything they want to do. We, on the other side, we lack confidence in ourselves.

I refuse to live a life were I dont believe in love stories and happy endings, I refuse to think that there’s no good in this world anymore, I want to be as happy as I can and I’ll not let this society ruin my happiness never again,  I belive in changes and I believe one person can make a huge difference. You never know how much influence you have in the people around you, smile more and you’ll see how the people around will smile more at you and life in general.

-Andrea

Time for me

Im on a 2 weeks off school so I thought it might be a good idea to focus on me a little bit more, and be at peace with myself. Im finally back on my exercising (after an injury break), so must of my anxiety has disappeared, thats good, but I was thinking and I realized there may come a day when I wont be able to exercise everyday and… WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF THAT HAPPENS!?, I mean lets hope it never does but….. If it does!? What am I going to do!? Am I going to go back to old habits? Am I going to be strong enough to deal with it!? I want to learn how to control it but it seems impossible for me! I spent 2 weeks off exercising because my back was in big pain thanks to an accident with some weights, in those 2 weeks I gained 3kg!! I did some things I regret now, I was too depressed to go out and my anxiety was over the top, all that because of 2 WEEKS OFF! Can you imagine what is going to happen to me, mentally and physically, if I spent more than 2 weeks resting!? 
Sometimes I feel like I’ve recovered in so many ways but there are still certain things that I cant handle, that I still cant control and that makes me nervous because I feel like those things are going to push me back to were I was a year ago… 
Im trying to focus on myself these 2 weeks. If you have any advice please comment below, I will be thankful to read some ideas. 
-Andrea.

Sick of Everything

I’ve been absent for a while, Life has been so dull! I cant find any inspiration or motivation, I’m not in the mood for anything, I dont go out anymore, I dont enjoy exercising anymore, I can’t stand being at school, food is so annoying (Ive also gained weight which is so frustrating), Im rude with everybody around me and life has become so… Overrated to me. Im sorry if I sound depressing or negative but it’s just how I feel, and I’m aware it’s not ok, I know I have to change, and believe me! I’ve tried, but it doesnt seem to get better…. 

Things at home and at school are not even bad, they’re pretty good actually! I haven’t argued with my mom in a whiile and my grades are better than ever. I’ve come to the conclusion that I AM THE PROBLEM, I dont know what’s wrong with me! 

Please if you have any advice, please, please, please, please! Comment below… I need it more than anything right now.

-Andrea

Trying to not fall apart

These last few weeks Ive been having those awful thoughts I used to have when I was suffering from my ed. Last week at school we were celebrating “Geography Week” so we had to bring a food from our country to share with the rest of the class, as Im the president of my class I had to organize all  and hand out the food to my classmates. The day before I ate a flan at home bc my dad made dinner to my mom and me so I told myself I wouldnt eat anything at school. The next day I ate my favorite breakfast (Peanut butter oatmeal) so I wouldnt binge anything at school, MISSION FAILED!! I couldnt resist! I ate some of the things that were on the table! After all I went running to the bathroom and tried to purge but I couldnt, the image of my mom crying was on my head so all I could do was call my best friend and told her everything, obviously I started to cry, I just wanted to go home and spend my whole day at the gym, my best friend convinced me to go to my school’s psychologist bc she knows all my story. We went to her office and talked for a while until my anxiety went down.

I dont know if I was more upset bc I couldnt control myself in front of a table full of food or bc I cant enjoy a food, that may not be healthy, without falling apart. Lately Ive been feeling awful with myself, Im binging more, my body image is not good at all, I feel like Im not exercising enough and my self-esteem is awful. I really dont know what to do, Im so scared of gaining weight and I dont want to! Im 16! At some point in my life I’ll probably gain weight (lets hope that never happen) and I dont want to go back again to where I was when I see a higher number on the scale.

I told my mom I wanted to see a nutricionist again, she told me yes but right now we cant afford one, of course I dont want to be too intense about it but I feel like if I dont talk to somebody who can help me… I’ll go back to where I was last year.

Please, if you have some advice, comment below.

-Andrea

Life without logging food

A week ago my account from MyFitnessPal was blocked, apparently bc Im under age and blah blah. I was thinking of getting a new account in another app but then I thought: I DONT HAVE TO COUNT CALORIES! When I used to go to my nutrionist, she told me to delete the app and it was really hard for me bc it was me controlling what I was eating and if I didnt do it I felt like if I didnt have control ove myself, after I did it my anxiety level was awful and ugh… I dont even want to remember. Ayways, right after I went out from my last appointment with my nutriotionist I went back to counting calories, until now.

The first day, I thought it was going to be like the last time but it didnt! I was pretty calm, I did snack a little more than usual but it didnt went that bad. The thing with countnig calorie is that I feel the need to know how much Im consuming, for me its still really triggering when I gain weight so I try not to do it, thats why now that Im gaining muscle I’ve convinced myself to not get on a weighing scale, Im still working on it.

One thing I learned was that, if you eat good portions of good food, you dont have to count how much calories you have in your plate. Lets imagine you have a diet of 2000 calories per day and all you eat today is a hamburguer from a fast food restaurant, you’ll be eating 600-800 calories (its just an average),  YES you’ll be eating less than what you have but it doesnt give you any nutrients!!! Its not how much you eat, its what you eat, always remember: Quality over quantity.

These last few days without logging have been pretty cool actually, I feel calm and relax, I realized I was obssessed with logging EVERYTHING and I wasnt enjoying what I was eating! Im a really big fan of Frozen Yogurt, but evertytime I ate one I felt so bad with myself and regreted every single scoop I had. It was really neccesary tortured myself in that way?

Slowly Im recovering from so many bad habits, I know I still have a long way to where I want to be but Im getting there. Same goes to you, no matter what your goals are, dont rush it, work hard for it and enjoy the journey, life is more fun when you enjoy the little details and just let yourself go.

-Andrea