These last few weeks Ive been having those awful thoughts I used to have when I was suffering from my ed. Last week at school we were celebrating “Geography Week” so we had to bring a food from our country to share with the rest of the class, as Im the president of my class I had to organize all and hand out the food to my classmates. The day before I ate a flan at home bc my dad made dinner to my mom and me so I told myself I wouldnt eat anything at school. The next day I ate my favorite breakfast (Peanut butter oatmeal) so I wouldnt binge anything at school, MISSION FAILED!! I couldnt resist! I ate some of the things that were on the table! After all I went running to the bathroom and tried to purge but I couldnt, the image of my mom crying was on my head so all I could do was call my best friend and told her everything, obviously I started to cry, I just wanted to go home and spend my whole day at the gym, my best friend convinced me to go to my school’s psychologist bc she knows all my story. We went to her office and talked for a while until my anxiety went down.
I dont know if I was more upset bc I couldnt control myself in front of a table full of food or bc I cant enjoy a food, that may not be healthy, without falling apart. Lately Ive been feeling awful with myself, Im binging more, my body image is not good at all, I feel like Im not exercising enough and my self-esteem is awful. I really dont know what to do, Im so scared of gaining weight and I dont want to! Im 16! At some point in my life I’ll probably gain weight (lets hope that never happen) and I dont want to go back again to where I was when I see a higher number on the scale.
I told my mom I wanted to see a nutricionist again, she told me yes but right now we cant afford one, of course I dont want to be too intense about it but I feel like if I dont talk to somebody who can help me… I’ll go back to where I was last year.
Please, if you have some advice, comment below.