Family & Limits

It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself and to make your Happiness a priority. It’s necessary.

When you’re a kid, especially in Latino families, you’re thought that being a “good daughter/son” means you’re devoted to your parents, means that you’ll do what you’re told and that’s it. But, what’s the limit? Is it possible that sometimes it’s ok to be selfish with your own parents?
The situation is this, I’ve been a middle-class girl for most of my life, when me and my mom decided to move out of Venezuela the situation changed with time. At first everything was great but then my mom got married, my brother was born, the company she and my stepdad were working broke, etc. Since then we’ve been struggling with money, ups and downs all the time.
The reason why I decided/had to stay by myself was beyond my decision and own will. I’ve always wanted to live by myself and I knew I was going to do it soon but never thought it was going to be this way. When my parents moved to another country they had to do it as fast as possible, first my stepfather had to go and since my mom can’t live without him she left 15 days later. I couldn’t go with them since my passport is expired and getting a Venezuelan passport is a long process (F@#¿¡ng socialism), thanks to that I’ve been waiting for a while to get it; above all and more important, I didn’t want to. I was working here, I was studying here, my whole life was built here. Of course, that was a reason for my stepfather to say how selfish I was for not supporting our family through this difficult time and how immature I was. Now they’re living in another country, struggling with money and they need me to help them from here.
They haven’t asked me for money yet, but they’ve been asking me to do a certain kind (many of them) of errands that cost me money, MY money. I don’t make millions at my job, but I make enough for me and my expenses. On top of this, apparently someone that used to work with my stepfather got into an issue with a guy and know he owes him money, money that he said I was going to give him. This lender knows me and knows where I live, he even called me once while I was at work, so I’d give him his money.
Now my question is, am I being a bad daughter if I stop helping them? Is it wrong?
At first, I thought that if I told them I didn’t have the money to help them they were going to think that I couldn’t live by myself but now it’s not that I can’t it’s just that my money is not enough to helping them and helping me. I’ve been doing everything I can to help them, they don’t have to pay for me anymore, I even stopped studying so they wouldn’t have to pay for my University, isn’t that enough?
So please… H E L P

-Andrea Moron

Advertisements

L O N E L I N E S S

Loneliness was an unsatisfied thirst for illusion

-Kobo Abe

Now that I’m living by myself I can say things are a lot more different than they used to, I don’t want to say it’s harder than I thought (I’m not going to give my mom the satisfaction) because, honestly, I don’t think it’s harder, I just feel it’s different. Everybody goes throw it in a different way, some are more lucky than others but I don’t think it’s harder, It’s just different.

Any ways, something that has made the experience, let’s say… less enjoyble (apart from money, but that’s another post) it’s LONELINESS. I feel a lot more lonely; and it’s not like when I was living with my parents I didn’t feel that way because sometimes I did but in a way they were always there, even if a didn’t talk to them at all they were there, their bodies and presence were there. Now I just have me, and don’t get me wrong I enjoy having a “me time” once in a while, but being by yourself can be pretty dangerous. Something that I’ve learned in my shorts 19 years of life is that there’s no worst enemy than yourself because no ones knows you more than you, you know all your weakness and fears; all your sins and regrets; you can’t hide yourself from yourself. And if you’ve been reading my blog for a while you may know that I’ve had some serious issues with myself, and if you haven’t well just know that I’m not my gresatest friend and I’m a little afraid that those thoughts that were so had to let go are coming back again, haunting me.

My friends are the greatest, thank God, but some of them are gone and the others, they have their one issues. I just feel like I need someone I can lay my head on once in a while, I can easily say that I’m craving affection more than ever (how needy am I?), And the fact that I can’t continue my University makes it harder (I’ll explain that in another post), I met the most amazing people while I was there, and the fact that I wasn’t able to enjoy that experience longer, SUCKS!

If I can be honest, YES there are a million things I wish were different; I wish I had more money; I wish that I was able to study; I wish I was with my cousin/sister (I’ll talk about her in another post); I wish my mom’s actions were different; I wish I could go back to Venezuela with my family; and I can keep going for a good 20 more lines but I dont want to be ungrateful for what I have because I do have a lot of things I should be grateful for: I have the most beautiful friends, a great job, a place to sleep, food, health, people that care for me, and I bunch of other things. But what I really need right now… is love, and I’m not just talking about romatic love, I’m talking about love in any form, I want to feel loved.

I’ve been trying to drown that feeling in parties, alcohol, sex, and I know it’s not the right thing to do but it takes the thoughts away for a while. I don’t want to go back to my old habits but I’ve been having some dark thoughts lately, I wish they went away.

-Andrea

 

By myself

Sometimes you have to stop being scared and just go for it. Either it will work out, or it won’t. That’s life.

Well, HELLO THERE! It’s been a while. HAPPY NEW YEAR 2018, hope you all had a wonderful time.

It’s been so long since the last time I wrote something here, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with this blog since the day I started and after giving it a thought (a really long one) I’ve decided I want to make it a Journal *yaaay*.

Why a Journal? you may ask… Well, long story short, I’m 19 now, living by myself, working, in need for more money (aren’t we all?) and why not? It’s a new stage in my life and I think it’s a really good way to let everything go, word by word.

Why make it public? At first I thought on only write it for me but I could use some advice from the ones reading this and if there’s none then it’s ok, at the end it’s just an 19 y/o’s Journal. I can use it to post something I read, about a show I’m watching, something that happened… anything! And of course I’d love if anyone commented.

Like I said, I’ve been living by myself for a few months now, I’m still getting used to everything but I like it! I know it’s hard, I know it’s not the same as living with your parents, but I feel ok. Some things that I wish were different but it’s ok, things will be alright… eventually.

I really like the independence, of course sometimes is way too much independence but I’m still trying to find my balance. I’ve done everything I couldn’t do when I was living with my parents of, nothing bad, but finally I feel like I’m actually living in the real world.

I got a job that I really like, thankfully, but I’m not sure if I’m able to do it… and that worries me. I’m still learning how everything is done but I’m afraid I’ll not be able to put up with the work when it’s time for me to work alone; and honestly, above everthing, that feeling is killing me inside.

I’m not going to be able to start University this year since I can’t afford it and my parents can’t help me, so I’m going to focus on working and learning as much as I can, maybe I’ll end up moving again but I’m still not sure.

I’ve learned about myself a lot now that I’m by myself, I’ve realized how weak I am in some areas of life, to be honest, sometimes I’m scared of what can happen. But I guess that’s the point of life, to be scared and still do it, to feel weak but still try to be strong. I just hope everything works out at the end because nothing frightens me more than the future and right now my future seems a little uncertain.

Let’s see what life has prepared for me…